Christmas Jokes & Stories

 

SpeechWe recently ran a prize draw and to enter, you had to submit your Christmas jokes & stories.

Here are the ones that we can publish:-)

Carol says…

One Christmas the electricity went off for the whole day (the electricity company told my dad it was because everybody in the area must be using their ovens?!) – We had to celebrate in candle light and wait until early Boxing day morning to eat our turkey! Wasn’t greatly funny at the time, but such a funny Christmas looking back 🙂

Laura shares her joke…

Q: Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
A: Because he had a low ‘elf’ esteem!

Paul says…

The 4 stages of life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus!

Gary shares his joke…

Q: Darth Vader, why are you under that Xmas tree?
A: ‘I can feel your presents Luke’

Norrie shares his joke…

Q: What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A: A rebel without a Claus”

Milly shares her joke…

Q: What do you call a reindeer with cotton wool in his ears?
A: Anything you like, he can’t hear you!

Alex shares his joke…

Q: What do you get if you cross Santa and a duck?
A: A Christmas quacker!

Phil shares his joke…

Q: What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
A: RUDEolph!

Dily shares her joke…

Q: How do Snowmen like to travel?
A: On their Icycle ! HAHAHA lol

Ray shares his joke…

Q: What is the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A: broken drum, you just can’t beat it! hehe

Kate shares her joke…

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.

Bau shares his joke…

Q: Why is Christmas just like work?
A: You put in all the effort and the guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Clarke shares her joke…

Q: What does Miley Cyrus eat for Christmas dinner?
A: Twerky! 😛

Ben shares his joke…

Q: What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark?
A: Frostbite!

Paul shares his story…

I remember having Christmas at my nan’s when I was a child and we always had a nice open fire burning.  One Christmas day, a stray spark managed to catch the chimney on fire, so we had to call the fire brigade.  My nan was so upset that we had to call them out on Christmas day – the firemen had just sat down to their Christmas lunch too!  Luckily the fire burned itself out and no harm was done.

Anj shares her story…

Only last year we were busy getting ready to move houses. Our move date was the 23rd December so I had no time at all to prepare for Christmas, let alone do any gift shopping.

On Christmas Eve I finally sat down late at night after sorting out what goes where in our new house and wrote out a card for my 9 year old daughter. I wrote a little note in the card saying how sorry I am for not having the time to buy her anything.

I took out two £20 notes from my purse and thought she’d be happy to buy her own gift and wrote you can buy your own gift in the card and sealed it up.

The next day she opened up the card and started crying. I asked her what happened to which she replied Mummy how could you be so mean and tell me to buy my own gift, don’t you love me anymore?

I was a little confused but when I looked over by the coffee table I realized I hadn’t put the money in her card!! This year I won’t be making the same mistake!

Lindham shares her story…

When my daughter was small, she was playing with a doll she had for Christmas when she noticed some writing etched on the back of its neck and asked what it said.  I explained that it said ‘made in England’  and was where her doll was made.  I could see she was feeling the back of her own neck, she came over, lifted her hair at the back and asked, “Where does it say I was  made Mummy”!

Mandy shares her joke…

Q: What do you call an Elf that can sing?
A: A Wrapper

Clark shares his story…

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. The elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon
and the sleigh was broken. Santa was furious.‘I can’t believe it!’ he yells. ‘I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t  even have a Christmas tree!

I sent that little angel to find one hours ago! What am I going to do?’ Just then, the little angel opens the front door and steps in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. ‘Hi’ she says. ‘Where d’you want me to stick this?’ And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass:-)

Jo shares her joke…

Q: Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
A: They always drop their needles!

Laura shares her joke…

Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas Decorations?
A: Tinselitis!

Berri shares her story…

My daughter went ‘veggie’ a couple of years ago. While I’ve supported her wholeheartedly, it seems that it’s more of a fad because all her friends are doing it rather than a love of animals!

Well, Christmas Day arrived and I thought I had covered everything – but I’d forgotten her Veggie main!

I took some of the veggie sausages we had and some veg and mashed potato and fashioned a “Meat-Free Christmas” pie for her. She said it was utterly delicious and would definitely have it again! I felt so guilty that when she asked for it in the new year, I had to tell her that it was ‘discontinued’!

Helen shares her joke…

Q: What do you call an Eskimo’s house without a loo?
A: An Ig

—–

Rob shares his joke…

Q: What do you call a rich elf?
A: Welfy

Emeline shares her joke…

Q: What’s a snowman favourite snack?
A: An ice pole

Johnson shares his joke…

Q: What did the snowflake say to the fallen leaf?
A: You are so last season!

Hugh shares his story…

Waking up on Christmas morning with a hangover, mistakenly opening a present  meant for my sister and wondering in disbelief why anyone would want to give a bloke lingerie!!

Phillipa shares her joke…

Q: What is Santa’s main worry in his workshops at Christmas?
A: Elf & Safety

Claire shares her joke…

Q: How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
A: One that’s deep pan, crisp and even!

Helen shares her story…

Some headphones turned up in the post, no note, nothing. I thought put them away for hubby for Christmas. On Christmas day hubby opened them to his delight, because he ordered some off ebay few months before that had not turned up:-(

Nermo shares his joke…

Q: What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?
A: A wonkey!

Kim shares her story…

Our first Christmas in our house after we were married and I cooked a chicken and left it to cool on the table, covered with a net. I’d fed the cats earlier and they went outside via the cat flap. When I came to get the chicken to put it in the fridge for Christmas day (cold meats etc.) there the two cats were, on the table tucking into it! It hadn’t occurred to me they’d want to eat it after being fed! Needless to say we nearly had cat food as it was too late for getting another, the shops weren’t open all hours like they were now, but we did have tuna in the cupboard for sandwiches instead.

Hannah shares her story…

We went to visit family with a young golden retriever, the family were more upper class than most of the family and decided they didn’t want the dog anywhere near the table, so said she’d have to be shut in the kitchen, the same kitchen where the turkey was resting on the side! Not long after they shut her in there there was an almighty crash, everyone goes in to find the turkey on the floor and the dog munching into it very happily. My parents always said it would teach them to be so snobby!

Submit your jokes

 

Have you got a fun Christmas joke that you would like to share? If so, you can write it in the box below. If not, wait until Christmas day and you’ll have hundreds from all those crackers, not to mention the party hats as well!

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