Your Kitchen Stories & Advice

 

SpeechWe recently ran a prize draw and to enter, you had to submit your kitchen stories, advice or even jokes.

Here are the ones that made us chuckle!

Annaloa says…

“Don’t put slate or tile floors in kitchens, because if you drop anything it will smash to pieces – as I found out the “hard” way!”

Debbie says…

“The first meal I cooked when we first got married was roast chicken and I left the giblets in.  I had no idea that was what came with the chicken!!! It was more embarrassing because I married a chef!”

Mark says…

“For tying off bags of frozen peas, fries etc, instead of hunting around for something to use, simply cut right across the top of the bag and use this cut-off piece to tie the bag securely. This can be used over and over until the food is finished.”

 Miriam says…

“I decided to make a rice pudding in my new pressure cooker. All was going well until the valve stuck and 2 pints of rice pudding shot out the vent and hit the kitchen ceiling. What a mess it made and I couldn’t stop the volcano effect for quite a while due to the back pressure.

Have you ever tried cleaning rice pudding from an Artex ceiling?, think some of it is still there 5 years later just in disguise.

I am now planning my new kitchen and the last remains will finally go when the ceiling is plastered.”

Catherine says…

“I have such a Bridget Jones relationship with blenders.  ALWAYS forget to pop the lid on and my soup/smoothie/pesto goes everywhere!  Such an annoying habit but hilarious for my family all the same!”

Mike says…

“I read that most accidents in the home happen in the kitchen, so I moved the cooker to the bedroom!”

Sarah says…

“When our old fridge freezer broke down a few weeks ago, it transpired that it needed, after 12 years, to be replaced with one that worked.  In 12 years, however, appliances have changed somewhat. As they are now more insulated, the same size fridge freezer on the outside, was considerably smaller on the inside. As I didn’t want one smaller, I had to go bigger.  Measurements were done, everything seemed fine, and we ordered a new one.

Well, a beautiful new fridge freezer was delivered a few weeks ago, but despite the many measuring sessions, the guys who delivered it couldn’t get it through the doorframe!! The door needed to come off, but they couldn’t possibly do it! SO, we had a lovely fridge freezer in the middle of the hall (not plugged in obviously!) for 2 weeks, before somebody more able than my husband (most people are) came to take the door off for us.

Fortunately it is now working well, but it was really irritating having this ‘cupboard’ in the middle of the hall for that long when all I really wanted was a functioning fridge freezer in the kitchen!!!!!!!”

Ray says…

A man pulls into a store to buy some worktops.

He goes to the office and tells the sales assistant what he needs.

“How long do you need them?” asks the sales assistant.

“Oh… let me check,” the guy needs to confirm this and makes a call on his mobile phone.

A couple of minutes later, the customer hangs up, looks at the sales assistant and says, “A very long time, we are building a kitchen!”

Kathy’s #foodfail was…

“I was making bread but put so much salt in that it was all you could taste!”

Scatterbrain says…

“My best tip is for baking cakes. I am always complimented on sponge cakes that I make and I change the recipe a little bit by adding one less egg to the mixture instead add milk.  I don’t measure this”

Margaret says… 

“Have you heard the one about the rhubarb who robbed a shop? He got taken into custardy.”

Kayleigh shares her story with us…

“Last year on my parents anniversary, my father asked my mother “Where do you want to go?”. My mother replied “Somewhere I haven’t been before”. To that my father replied “How about the kitchen!” My mother was not impressed!!”

Juliet shares her joke with us…

“Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing!”

Jo says…

“Years ago we bought a ramshackle house and renovated it ourselves. When we came to the kitchen, we found a live wasps nest under the floorboards. Money was tight so my then boyfriend decided to deal with it himself rather than call in the experts. He set the hoover up by the airbrick where the wasps were flying in/out and hovered the wasps up! ermmmm, not a smart move!

Sue shares her story with us…

” We had the whole family over for Christmas lunch , the turkey was cooking nicely and the wine and sherry flowing freely. I popped into the kitchen to baste the turkey and as I got it out of the oven, it slid out of the baking tray and across the floor towards our dog, who thought all his Christmases had come at once! I quickly grabbed it, much to the dogs annoyance , gave it a wash down and put it back in the oven! I don’t think anyone ever knew :)”

Amy says…

“When I lived in Notting Hill I had a very small kitchen, so in the summer I decided to replace the cooker with a freezer to store my ice lollies in. It didn’t seem like such a good idea when winter hit.”

Emma shares her story…

” I one made beef olives for my friends and you needed to put a cocktail stick through the beef mixture to hold each one together. When I took the beef olives out of the oven, I was horrified, the cocktail sticks had melted and the mixture was blue. Serves me right for using blue, plastic cocktail sticks – learnt my lesson but my friends have never forgotten!”

Janine says…

“I once left kitchen spray on the work top for a few minutes so it had time to soak in, when I went back and wiped it, the worktop went white. I realised the spray had bleach in it and my workop was ruined.”

Han says…

“A tip my mum taught me as she worked in kitchens professionally. If you cut your finger, when the bleeding has stopped, paint a layer of clear nail varnish over it. It will keep out the germs and you can’t lose the plaster in the food your preparing”

Elisha says…

“To make your natural home insect/cat repellent, you’ll need: crushed fresh garlic (via pestle and mortar), chilli seeds, washing up liquid (few drops) and water. Works for me:)”

Debi says…

“I once had a boyfriend who decided to cook his very first meal for me, he decided to make spaghetti bolognaise but didn’t have any mince meat, so he made it with corned beef instead. Needless to say it was inedible and we order pizza instead.”

Clare says…

“We had just moved into our new house and chose everything for our kitchen – the poshest kitchen wallpaper I could find! I nagged the other half and his dad to do it all nice, which they did and I was completely in love with it until my son got hold of a big thick marker and proceeded to draw all over the walls whilst my partner and his dad where papering the hall way. I came in to find the walls covered in smiley faces! My 2 year old said mummy looked sad so I drew them to make her smile!!!! I couldn’t shout as the thought was cute, but not all over my posh wallpaper! After this I chose to have painted walls as at least you can paint them if you get any ‘works of art’ from the kids!”

Zoe says…

“As a chef, I’m always asked if I can cook a vegetarian. I always reply that unfortunately I can’t because they are too stringy and you can’t slice them thin enough!”

Hannah says…

” We had just moved into a new flat and feeling welcoming, decided to hold a little party to show it off. Being in a bit of a hurry with lots of preparations to do, I threw a cake into the oven whilst I got on with sorting out other things. When it was ready to come out it had baked on a slope and it was so steep there was no hiding it with icing (believe me I tried). So my advice is when baking for the first time in a new place and you want to make a good impression, check the oven is level before cooking.”

Nicola shares his joke with us…

“This is a joke according to my young son – why did the spoon cross the road? Because it wanted to be a knife!”

Marion says…

“Christmas lunch was over and we were all eagerly awaited the Christmas pudding. My sister and I went out to make the brandy sauce but everybody complained that it was ghastly. We took it back out and added some more sugar. Again, comments were it was inedible. It was only when my sister put her glasses on that she realised she had opened fish sauce. They discovered us helpless and shrieking with laughter in the kitchen. We have never lived it down!”

Sam shares her kitchen tip…

“My nana taught me that if you are making a casserole or soup and it gets too greasy than just to put an ice cube in it as the ice attracts all the grease making it easy to scoop out so it doesn’t ruin your scrumptious meal.”

Lindy says…

“Had invited the very new inlaws over for a meal and was very keen to impress. All went well until it was time to fetch the trifle (which I had told them they would love and it was my speciality). I went into the kitchen to find the cat with two paws in the bowl licking the cream off. My husband was despatched to stall inlaws for a few minutes while I hastily whipped up some more cream, rearranged the topping a bit and served it up to be met with compliments from the inlaws – phew!”

Frances shares her joke with us…

“Little Johnny’s school class went on a trip to the fire station. The fireman giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: “Does anyone know what this is?” Little Johnny’s hand shot up and the fireman called on him. Little Johnny replied: “That’s how Mummy knows dinner is ready!”

Laura shares this definition with us…

“Single (Noun) A man who makes jokes about women in the kitchen!”

Mary says…

“When I was a child there were only 2 choices when it came to mealtimes… Take it or leave it!”

Yvonne says…

“I dropped a sausage casserole over the floor one night and as no-one saw it happen, I scooped it all back in the casserole and gave everyone it for tea. They said it was very tasty 🙂

Tamara says…

“My husband has a black belt in cooking. One chop and your dead!”

Ann’s tip is…

“Freeze root ginger and grate a little into dishes as and when. No waste”
 

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